1. It was announced Tuesday that Early Show co-anchor Harry Smith will get a colonoscopy live on the air as a way to promote early cancer screenings. CBS says the live procedure is nothing audiences aren't used to seeing, especially after millions watched James Cameron get a similar procedure during this year's Oscars.
2. The Academy Awards aired on Sunday and the critically acclaimed Hurt Locker took home Best Picture. The Hurt Locker chronicles a group of US soldiers whose jobs are to defuse IEDs in Iraq, not to be confused with a Bush torture device of the same name.
3. On his show Tuesday, Rush Limbaugh said that if health care reform passes, he will leave the US. "I am leaving the country. I'll go to Costa Rica," said Limbaugh. Upon hearing the news, Costa Rica jammed through the paperwork to change its name to Liberal-vania.
4. On Monday, Lindsay Lohan filed a lawsuit against E*Trade over their Super Bowl ad. Lohan says E*Trade's talking baby ad featuring a "milkaholic" girl named Lindsay was a jab at her. Lohan isn't upset about the alcohol reference, but rather the fact that the baby's track marks weren't even on the correct arm.
5. On Tuesday, Chief Justice John Roberts told a crowd that he found President Obama's State of the Union address critique of a Supreme Court decision to reverse campaign finance laws "very troubling." In a 5-4 decision weeks ago, the Supreme Court ruled that corporations could donate unlimited amounts of money to support the candidates of their choice. John Roberts' appearance was brought to you by Slim Fast. Slim Fast: trim those pesky pounds while you trim those pesky ethics! Slim Fast!
High five.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
Game Of Inches
1. Playgirl is reportedly offering Jon Gosselin $20,000 to pose for a nude spread in the magazine. Playgirl extended the offer saying they would pay Gosselin $10,000 "for every inch after four." In future news, Jon Gosselin owes Playgirl $80,000.
2. Friday during meeting with Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius and insurance company executives, President Obama read a touching letter from a woman in Ohio whom he thought represented what's wrong with the health care system today. Cancer survivor Natoma Canfield's 2009 premiums had increased 25% to $6,075, and in 2010 she was informed her premiums would be increased 40% to $8,496. Insurance executives said they were moved by the letter, but that state of the art robotics have yet to perfect tears 001110100100101001101011011101001010111.
3. West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd today criticized his local paper's editorial page, saying it reads like "barkings from the nether regions of Glennbeckistan." Oh, silly old Robert Byrd, the citizens of Glennbeckistan can't read or write!
4. On Saturday, Sarah admitted to an Alberta, Canada crowd that she has crossed the border for Canadian health care. Palin has been a vocal critic of a single payer, government run health system she says will birth things like "death panels." Canada does in fact have death panels, but gosh they're just the nicest bunch a death panels you could imagine.
5. On Monday, a day after parliamentary elections in Iraq, the two major parties -- the Iraqi Prime Minister's State of Law coalition and the Iraqiya party -- are both claiming to be ahead as the vote count continues. With results expected Tuesday, no side is backing down and some in the parties are already claiming victory. Claiming victory in an election you may not have won at all? They really have become a democracy!
High five.
2. Friday during meeting with Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius and insurance company executives, President Obama read a touching letter from a woman in Ohio whom he thought represented what's wrong with the health care system today. Cancer survivor Natoma Canfield's 2009 premiums had increased 25% to $6,075, and in 2010 she was informed her premiums would be increased 40% to $8,496. Insurance executives said they were moved by the letter, but that state of the art robotics have yet to perfect tears 001110100100101001101011011101001010111.
3. West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd today criticized his local paper's editorial page, saying it reads like "barkings from the nether regions of Glennbeckistan." Oh, silly old Robert Byrd, the citizens of Glennbeckistan can't read or write!
4. On Saturday, Sarah admitted to an Alberta, Canada crowd that she has crossed the border for Canadian health care. Palin has been a vocal critic of a single payer, government run health system she says will birth things like "death panels." Canada does in fact have death panels, but gosh they're just the nicest bunch a death panels you could imagine.
5. On Monday, a day after parliamentary elections in Iraq, the two major parties -- the Iraqi Prime Minister's State of Law coalition and the Iraqiya party -- are both claiming to be ahead as the vote count continues. With results expected Tuesday, no side is backing down and some in the parties are already claiming victory. Claiming victory in an election you may not have won at all? They really have become a democracy!
High five.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Palin Comparison
1. On Thursday, producer Mark Burnett and Sarah Palin announced they are shopping around an idea for a television show about the natural beauty of Alaska. "What it's not is a reality show following her around, getting up in the morning or her family and all the salacious stuff," said Burnett. So tune in this fall to Sarah Palin Presents: The Beauty of Alaska... as Gunned Down From a Helicopter.
2. A new shoe scanner is being tested at the Homeland Security Department lab and officials think it may help ease congestion at airports if approved for broad use. The scanner is said to have improved abilities when it comes to detecting weapons and bomb parts. Airline security officials say they're very excited to try the product, especially passengers wearing Victoria Secrets' new shoe bras.
3. This week it was reported that the Tea Party has their own iPhone app called the Tea Party Finder. The application works by locating a Tea Party group in your area, and then gives you directions on how to get there without having to be confronted by one those pesky "libraries."
4. Michigan Representative Bart Stupak said this week that he will kill any health care reform bill that doesn't include his anti-abortion amendment, which bans government money from being used in abortions. "We should not be giving women this option," said Stupak during a press conference. Stupak was rather unwavering -- that is until his mother stood up in the audience and yelled, "Not so fast."
5. A Burberry fashion show in London on Tuesday jumped onto the bandwagon by showing digitally projected models in 3D. Those invited to the screening wore 3D glasses and said the models came right off the screen. The models popped so much, said one viewer, that you could almost make out the food they hadn't eaten.
High five.
2. A new shoe scanner is being tested at the Homeland Security Department lab and officials think it may help ease congestion at airports if approved for broad use. The scanner is said to have improved abilities when it comes to detecting weapons and bomb parts. Airline security officials say they're very excited to try the product, especially passengers wearing Victoria Secrets' new shoe bras.
3. This week it was reported that the Tea Party has their own iPhone app called the Tea Party Finder. The application works by locating a Tea Party group in your area, and then gives you directions on how to get there without having to be confronted by one those pesky "libraries."
4. Michigan Representative Bart Stupak said this week that he will kill any health care reform bill that doesn't include his anti-abortion amendment, which bans government money from being used in abortions. "We should not be giving women this option," said Stupak during a press conference. Stupak was rather unwavering -- that is until his mother stood up in the audience and yelled, "Not so fast."
5. A Burberry fashion show in London on Tuesday jumped onto the bandwagon by showing digitally projected models in 3D. Those invited to the screening wore 3D glasses and said the models came right off the screen. The models popped so much, said one viewer, that you could almost make out the food they hadn't eaten.
High five.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
R&R For Fifty Bucks
1. Republican Representative from North Carolina Patrick McHenry introduced a bill Tuesday to remove Ulysses S. Grant from the $50 bill and add former President Ronald Reagan. So far 13 Republicans have cosponsored the measure. But historians say Reagan's face should be put on something he's more familiar with, like a trillion dollar bill.
2. This week Rep. Ann Kirkpatrick of Arizona introduced the Taking Responsibility for Congressional Pay Act, to cut the pay of all congress members by 5%. "Families across the country are getting by on lower wages ... so why shouldn't senators and representatives have to feel the same pinch?" asked Kirkpatrick. In future news, today Congress overwhelmingly passed a new measure called the Shoot Rep. Ann Kirkpatrick Into Space Act.
3. On Wednesday at a conference in California, developer Bryan Horling with Google said about 1 in 5 of everyone's searches is personalized based on their web history, location, and friends. "When we have information related to the user, it tends to be pretty clear what they're looking for," said Horling. Remember when you kept getting all those ads for stores specializing in S&M, lubricants, and Hello Kitty? They know.
4. The FAA suspended two air traffic controllers this week after the son of one was allowed to relay a few routine messages to pilots on the runway. "JetBlue 171, cleared for takeoff," the boy is heard saying in one recording. And today, Al Qaeda released a video declaring Take Your Kids To Work Day a complete success.
5. Tonight, Democratic Florida Rep. Alan Grayson will debate Republican Minnesota Rep. Michelle Bachmann on Larry King Live on the topic of health care reform. Show producers say their goal is to ensure an even, balanced debate, so prior to the telecast they will secretly feed Grayson crazy pills.
High five.
2. This week Rep. Ann Kirkpatrick of Arizona introduced the Taking Responsibility for Congressional Pay Act, to cut the pay of all congress members by 5%. "Families across the country are getting by on lower wages ... so why shouldn't senators and representatives have to feel the same pinch?" asked Kirkpatrick. In future news, today Congress overwhelmingly passed a new measure called the Shoot Rep. Ann Kirkpatrick Into Space Act.
3. On Wednesday at a conference in California, developer Bryan Horling with Google said about 1 in 5 of everyone's searches is personalized based on their web history, location, and friends. "When we have information related to the user, it tends to be pretty clear what they're looking for," said Horling. Remember when you kept getting all those ads for stores specializing in S&M, lubricants, and Hello Kitty? They know.
4. The FAA suspended two air traffic controllers this week after the son of one was allowed to relay a few routine messages to pilots on the runway. "JetBlue 171, cleared for takeoff," the boy is heard saying in one recording. And today, Al Qaeda released a video declaring Take Your Kids To Work Day a complete success.
5. Tonight, Democratic Florida Rep. Alan Grayson will debate Republican Minnesota Rep. Michelle Bachmann on Larry King Live on the topic of health care reform. Show producers say their goal is to ensure an even, balanced debate, so prior to the telecast they will secretly feed Grayson crazy pills.
High five.
Photo High Five #11
Kentucky Senator and grinch Jim Bunning, who last week repeatedly blocked the extension of an unemployment benefits bill, shows the senate other things he enjoys blocking, like his own ability to applaud.Tuesday, March 2, 2010
A Long Time Ago In A University Far, Far Astray...
1. Students at the University of Mississippi have started a movement to make Admiral Ackbar, a Mon Calamari rebel from the Star Wars film Return of the Jedi, the school's mascot. Lucasfilm studios says they're flattered by the possibility of Ackbar becoming a mascot, but that "it will be difficult for him to show up for games!" Five Jokes believes the mascot should be a vagina, as it may be a treat for some of these students to actually see one.
2. On the recently racially charged campus of the University of California San Diego, a white pillow case made to look like a KKK hood was affixed to a statue in front of the school's library. Police have removed the item for DNA and fingerprints. Still, a KKK hood planted on a statue in front of a library only upholds the theory that the KKK has never actually been inside a library.
3. Singer Chynna Philips this week withdrew divorce papers filed against husband Billy Baldwin only days after filing them. The couple's manager says Chynna has been stressed and confused lately. It must be similar to the phenomenon of seeing Stephen Baldwin, thinking it's Alec, and then a split second later, realizing Alec Baldwin would never work at McDonald's.
4. On Tuesday, the Smithsonian rejected the suit O.J. Simpson wore during his famous 1995 televised court verdict, deeming it inappropriate for their collection. Experts say the suit is an artifact of one of the most remembered moments in recent history, but that it's understandable the Smithsonian would want to keep its distance given what's happened to anyone else who "messes with O.J.'s shit."
5. President Obama on Tuesday proposed a $3,000 home energy tax rebate to Americans who pay to make their home more energy efficient. The President says consumers would be eligible for these rebates for simple home upgrades such as insulation, duct sealing, and water heaters. Basically anyone who doesn't have a limitless supply of hot air like Kentucky Senator Jim Bunning.
High five.
2. On the recently racially charged campus of the University of California San Diego, a white pillow case made to look like a KKK hood was affixed to a statue in front of the school's library. Police have removed the item for DNA and fingerprints. Still, a KKK hood planted on a statue in front of a library only upholds the theory that the KKK has never actually been inside a library.
3. Singer Chynna Philips this week withdrew divorce papers filed against husband Billy Baldwin only days after filing them. The couple's manager says Chynna has been stressed and confused lately. It must be similar to the phenomenon of seeing Stephen Baldwin, thinking it's Alec, and then a split second later, realizing Alec Baldwin would never work at McDonald's.
4. On Tuesday, the Smithsonian rejected the suit O.J. Simpson wore during his famous 1995 televised court verdict, deeming it inappropriate for their collection. Experts say the suit is an artifact of one of the most remembered moments in recent history, but that it's understandable the Smithsonian would want to keep its distance given what's happened to anyone else who "messes with O.J.'s shit."
5. President Obama on Tuesday proposed a $3,000 home energy tax rebate to Americans who pay to make their home more energy efficient. The President says consumers would be eligible for these rebates for simple home upgrades such as insulation, duct sealing, and water heaters. Basically anyone who doesn't have a limitless supply of hot air like Kentucky Senator Jim Bunning.
High five.
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