1. On Thursday, Massachusetts' Scott Brown, replacement for the late Senator Ted Kennedy, was sworn in by Vice President Joe Biden as the 41st GOP senator. "I can't promise I will be right in every vote I make, but I will do the very best job I can," said Brown. Then as customary with new GOP congressional members, Brown chose the South American country to house his secret mistress.
2. Heinz today unveiled a redesigned ketchup packet, one that would allow users the freedom to either dip food into the product or squeeze the product out. "The biggest complaint is there is no way to dip and eat it on-the-go," said Dave Ciesinski, vice president of Heinz Ketchup. Still, most excited about the revamped ketchup packet design is the largely ignored "fake wound prank" demographic.
3. In the latest issue of the New England Journal of Medicine, an English doctor writes about a 14 year old girl who came to him with a broken foot she got from playing Wii Fit. The girl was reportedly using the Wii balance board, but lost her balance and twisted her ankle. The doctor says the girl will make a speedy recovery and be back to no friends in no time.
4. The French government recently proposed a law that would ban burqas from being worn in public. But Oumkheyr, a French Muslim woman, told CNN that she is proud to wear a burqa and doesn't understand the need for a ban since so few women she knows wear it. Yeah, if you're so proud to wear a burqa, why don't you show your face!
5. A Toronto restaurant called Mildred's Temple Kitchen is encouraging its patrons this Valentine's Day to have sex in the restaurant's bathrooms. "We've always had little trysts in our bathrooms," says co-owner Donna Dooher. "We're taking it to the next level on Valentine's weekend." Guys are particularly excited about the time they'll save, since they can now pay for dinner and get turned down for sex all in one trip.
High five.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
300, This Is Wal-Marta!
1. Wal-Mart announced on Wednesday that it will be cutting 300 administrative jobs from its corporate headquarters in Arkansas. "With this last major strategic piece in place, we are beginning our new fiscal year with every part of our business focused on being even more responsive to our customers," said CEO Mike Duke. Coincidentally, "strategic piece in place" is also what one Wal-Mart customer said just before entering the store in only a cock sock.
2. A man in Germany was saved on a frozen sea when a woman hundreds of miles away spotted him while watching the sunset on a tourist webcam. The man had reportedly gone out to photograph the sunset himself, become disoriented, and could no longer find the shore when darkness fell. For those keeping score at home, that's...
Dangers of a Sedentary Lifestyle: 230,103,294
Benefits: 1
3. At a high school basketball game in Monessen, PA, police tasered a young black man they thought was getting out of line after fights broke out. Video of the incident however shows one of the white officers antagonizing the student and using the taser even after the man was in handcuffs. Though, in the officer's defense, if the young black man hadn't been subdued quickly enough, the officer's white daughter may have been dated or even impregnated.
4. It's been announced that Sean Hannity will headline the national Republican Congressional Committee dinner on March 23 at the National Building Museum. The GOP hope Hannity's presence will lead to a large and much-needed fundraising haul. Per Hannity's request, museum directors say all door handles will be the shape of Ronald Reagan's penis.
5. A German company called Nanopool is reporting the development of a spray-on liquid glass substance which scientists believe could revolutionize manufacturing. Only a few millionths of a millimeter thick, the substance creates a flexible invisible barrier that repels water, dirt and bacteria, but remains breathable. And today, Paris Hilton sprayed it all over her lady parts.
High five.
2. A man in Germany was saved on a frozen sea when a woman hundreds of miles away spotted him while watching the sunset on a tourist webcam. The man had reportedly gone out to photograph the sunset himself, become disoriented, and could no longer find the shore when darkness fell. For those keeping score at home, that's...
Dangers of a Sedentary Lifestyle: 230,103,294
Benefits: 1
3. At a high school basketball game in Monessen, PA, police tasered a young black man they thought was getting out of line after fights broke out. Video of the incident however shows one of the white officers antagonizing the student and using the taser even after the man was in handcuffs. Though, in the officer's defense, if the young black man hadn't been subdued quickly enough, the officer's white daughter may have been dated or even impregnated.
4. It's been announced that Sean Hannity will headline the national Republican Congressional Committee dinner on March 23 at the National Building Museum. The GOP hope Hannity's presence will lead to a large and much-needed fundraising haul. Per Hannity's request, museum directors say all door handles will be the shape of Ronald Reagan's penis.
5. A German company called Nanopool is reporting the development of a spray-on liquid glass substance which scientists believe could revolutionize manufacturing. Only a few millionths of a millimeter thick, the substance creates a flexible invisible barrier that repels water, dirt and bacteria, but remains breathable. And today, Paris Hilton sprayed it all over her lady parts.
High five.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
In The Closet Now
1. On Tuesday, the nation's top military officials told members of Congress that they should lift the ban on gays in the military. Reversing the Pentagon's 17-year-old policy toward gays "comes down to integrity," Joint Chiefs Chairman Adm. Mike Mullen told a Senate hearing. Of course, simply talking about gays left Mullen weakened by powerful gay urges, transforming him into gay as panicked conservatives evacuated the chamber wearing self-contained breathing apparatuses.
2. On Monday, conservative activist James O'Keefe appeared on Hannity's America to explain his arrest for allegedly dressing up as a telephone repair man to bug the office Louisiana Democratic Senator Mary Landrieu. O'Keefe claims the whole incident is a "huge misunderstanding." Ironically, in future news, his boyish figure and sensitivity quickly earns O'Keefe the prison name Miss Understanding.
3. A new poll released this week shows that a large portion of Republicans feel that President Obama is a socialist, racist, or not a real U.S. citizen. The data shows also that 24% of self-identified Republicans feel the President wants "the terrorists to win." Well, against this 24%, can you really blame him?
4. GOP Senator John Cornyn of Texas said on Tuesday that allowing the Teabaggers to form a third party would endanger the future of the Republican party. Remember, it's just like you learned in your high school civics class, nothing kills a threesome faster than a teabagger.
5. Newly elected Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown admitted today that he has in fact spoken to Sarah Palin though he had previously denied ever having contact with the former Alaskan Governor. Brown's spokesperson today said he "had forgotten about the congratulatory call from Sarah Palin on election night... it had completely slipped his mind." This statement, however, coincides with a recent poll in which 95% of Americans were "surprised" to learn Palin could dial a phone.
High five.
2. On Monday, conservative activist James O'Keefe appeared on Hannity's America to explain his arrest for allegedly dressing up as a telephone repair man to bug the office Louisiana Democratic Senator Mary Landrieu. O'Keefe claims the whole incident is a "huge misunderstanding." Ironically, in future news, his boyish figure and sensitivity quickly earns O'Keefe the prison name Miss Understanding.
3. A new poll released this week shows that a large portion of Republicans feel that President Obama is a socialist, racist, or not a real U.S. citizen. The data shows also that 24% of self-identified Republicans feel the President wants "the terrorists to win." Well, against this 24%, can you really blame him?
4. GOP Senator John Cornyn of Texas said on Tuesday that allowing the Teabaggers to form a third party would endanger the future of the Republican party. Remember, it's just like you learned in your high school civics class, nothing kills a threesome faster than a teabagger.
5. Newly elected Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown admitted today that he has in fact spoken to Sarah Palin though he had previously denied ever having contact with the former Alaskan Governor. Brown's spokesperson today said he "had forgotten about the congratulatory call from Sarah Palin on election night... it had completely slipped his mind." This statement, however, coincides with a recent poll in which 95% of Americans were "surprised" to learn Palin could dial a phone.
High five.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Good Shit
1. On Friday, Arizona police discovered over 700lbs. of marijuana stuffed into a septic tank truck. Officials say cartels go to great lengths to hide their product but that this is the first time they've found it hidden in human waste, giving new meaning to the phrase "This is good shit."
2. Scientists say they have solved an important part of the puzzle in the research to cure HIV/AIDS. In a study published in the science journal Nature on Sunday, scientists say they've been able to grow a crystal of the enzyme integrase, which HIV uses to paste its genetic information to our DNA. Researchers say being able to study the structure of the enzyme will lead to many gains in the field, but OMG did you totally see Lady Gaga performing with Elton John last night???
3. According to President Obama's proposed budget for 2011, funding for NASA's plans to return to the moon will be cut. In defense of his budget proposal, President Obama said that going to the moon is not the country's priority right now. Plus, says the President, putting astronauts on the moon would make the moon's job-creation rate higher than ours.
4. President Obama's budget proposal for 2011 includes a large increase in spending for the Sciences, drawing cheers from the entire scientific community. Increased funding is planned for cancer research, the National Science Foundation, and the Department of Health and Human Services. The increase did, however, draw criticism from former Bush administration Chief Science Adviser and voodoo priest MezenDieu.
5. A recent report shows that Sarah Palin's political action committee "Sarah PAC" spent $63,000 on copies of Palin's book Going Rogue. Analysts suggest this may be a gift to repay certain high paying donors, an assessment supported by another Sarah PAC budgetary cost listed only as "Palin Donor Reading Lessons."
High five.
2. Scientists say they have solved an important part of the puzzle in the research to cure HIV/AIDS. In a study published in the science journal Nature on Sunday, scientists say they've been able to grow a crystal of the enzyme integrase, which HIV uses to paste its genetic information to our DNA. Researchers say being able to study the structure of the enzyme will lead to many gains in the field, but OMG did you totally see Lady Gaga performing with Elton John last night???
3. According to President Obama's proposed budget for 2011, funding for NASA's plans to return to the moon will be cut. In defense of his budget proposal, President Obama said that going to the moon is not the country's priority right now. Plus, says the President, putting astronauts on the moon would make the moon's job-creation rate higher than ours.
4. President Obama's budget proposal for 2011 includes a large increase in spending for the Sciences, drawing cheers from the entire scientific community. Increased funding is planned for cancer research, the National Science Foundation, and the Department of Health and Human Services. The increase did, however, draw criticism from former Bush administration Chief Science Adviser and voodoo priest MezenDieu.
5. A recent report shows that Sarah Palin's political action committee "Sarah PAC" spent $63,000 on copies of Palin's book Going Rogue. Analysts suggest this may be a gift to repay certain high paying donors, an assessment supported by another Sarah PAC budgetary cost listed only as "Palin Donor Reading Lessons."
High five.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Recluse Is Loose
1. Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke was voted to a second term by the Senate on Thursday by a vote of 70-30, the closest in history. See, kids, just like that fireworks factory owner told you, sometimes just not killing everyone in a massive explosion can get you employee of the month!
2. On Thursday, renowned and famously reclusive author J.D. Salinger died in his home of natural causes. The author's wake will be held Saturday at noon and the public is welcome to mind their own god-damned business while his heirs load a shotgun on the front porch.
3. Wal-Mart announced Thursday that it would be reorganizing their U.S. operations, allowing each region of the country to better connect with their customers. Because nothing is worse than mistaking the hometown region of the guy wearing camouflage assless chaps with the hometown region of the girl wearing a denim bikini bottom and 300 extra pounds.
4. Newly elected Senator Scott Brown said during an interview Thursday that he won't always be siding with Republicans. "I already told them," said Brown, "there'll be issues when I'll be with you and there are issues when I won't be with you." In future news, Scott Brown died after authorities say he bound his own hands and shot himself in the back in what Republicans are calling a tragic self-assisted suicide.
5. Nintendo's CEO Satoru Iwata said recently in an interview that while he welcomes 3D films like Avatar he doesn't think 3D gaming will ever catch on. "I have doubts whether people will be wearing glasses to play games at home. How is that going to look to other people?" said Iwata. The Nintendo CEO then purchased Hello Kitty girl panties from a vending machine.
High five.
2. On Thursday, renowned and famously reclusive author J.D. Salinger died in his home of natural causes. The author's wake will be held Saturday at noon and the public is welcome to mind their own god-damned business while his heirs load a shotgun on the front porch.
3. Wal-Mart announced Thursday that it would be reorganizing their U.S. operations, allowing each region of the country to better connect with their customers. Because nothing is worse than mistaking the hometown region of the guy wearing camouflage assless chaps with the hometown region of the girl wearing a denim bikini bottom and 300 extra pounds.
4. Newly elected Senator Scott Brown said during an interview Thursday that he won't always be siding with Republicans. "I already told them," said Brown, "there'll be issues when I'll be with you and there are issues when I won't be with you." In future news, Scott Brown died after authorities say he bound his own hands and shot himself in the back in what Republicans are calling a tragic self-assisted suicide.
5. Nintendo's CEO Satoru Iwata said recently in an interview that while he welcomes 3D films like Avatar he doesn't think 3D gaming will ever catch on. "I have doubts whether people will be wearing glasses to play games at home. How is that going to look to other people?" said Iwata. The Nintendo CEO then purchased Hello Kitty girl panties from a vending machine.
High five.
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